“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.” ~ Margaret Millar, American-Canadian mystery-suspense writer
Do I ever come across like that out-of-proportion-mostly-a-mouth woman pictured above?
Oh, how I hope not.
Do I participate in conversations with friends and family? Or do I act like some sort of running off at the mouth comedian positioned front and center stage or — gasp! — a politician vying for votes and talking, talking, talking?
I’ve witnessed drive-by monologues — and been victimized by them too. “Conversations” where I wasn’t certain the other person even listened to what they said. (I didn’t.) Every single spoken word, phrase and sentence was about them … and repeat, repeat, repeat.
In Your Words: How do you ensure that a conversation is a verbal two-way street — a little bit of you, a little bit of someone else, a little bit of you, a little bit of someone else? Any tips for turning a monologue into a dialogue?
Yes, I have been the victim of these one-sided conversations…when I do manage to get a word in, the other person waits for me to take a breath, and then just goes on and on. I know that sometimes I interrupt people. I am working on that. Listening is an art, but listening to a one-sided conversation (the blah blah blah of someone running on about themselves) is no fun. And not very friend-like.
“The blah blah blah” — yes, I’ve been part of those kind of conversations too.
My goal is to never been the blah-blah-blah-er.
I bet you could guess how I do…I ask a boatload of questions.
~ Wendy
Wendy,
Great technique to be other-focused: questions, lots of questions.
I had to laugh at this picture. I guess for me, I usually realize it halfway through if I’m talking too much, and I apologize and start asking questions. I try to show people I’m genuinely interested in them. Hopefully that comes across.
I had to use that photo, Lindsay. It’s perfect, isn’t it? And I’m with you — sometimes I have to stop myself and back up my verbal blah-blah-blah train.
That is such an awesome quote. I’m sure I’ve done that, and been on the receiving end. Important to remember in writing, too, unless we’re revealing a character trait–er, flaw.
Nice application to writing, Dee!
When chatting with friends, I try to be conscious of how much I’m babbling. Like Wendy, questions do the trick. “So…what’s going on with you these days? How’s so and so?” Although, I do have this one friend that asks me to lunch sometimes and I promise, she talks the entire time and when she’s done, it’s been about an hour or so and we have to go…well, I have to go. But I know this about her and I never plan on talking. Most of the time I think, how can I make you a crazy character in my book! LOL
LOL!
Yep, there are friends who you know are talkers … and that’s the nature of the friendship.
I wonder if someone feels that way about me?
OK, I’ll admit it. I’m guilty. If someone asks me about my writing, I could go on for hours. I do my best to rein myself in, but my poor hubby deserves a trophy for the countless hours he’s listened to me.
I don’t like to monopolize a conversation and work hard not to. Like Wendy, the best way I’ve found to pull others out is by asking questions. My mass communication/journalism training has helped with this, but I have to be careful to sound natural and not make a person feel like she’s being interviewed.
Now I’m wondering how many of my writing buddies have a journalism degree like me.
I always say that’s what my degree is in: asking questions.
I do, but I think you knew that.
Yes, the journalists in us cannot help the questions…
Lots of journalists joining the conversation today!
Oooooh and ouch…I, too, have probably been on both ends of this.
I agree with the other commenters: the way to make sure the other person gets heard is to ask questions and acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t agree. It’s amazing what even a simple quasi-question like “Really?” can get the other person to feel heard. Another helpful one is “I think you’re saying that ______________. Is that right?” Or “It sounds like you’re saying _____________. Is that what you mean?” This is a great opportunity to clarify what they’re saying and what you’re hearing.
Would love to have a face to face conversation with you one day, Elizabeth. You sound like a natural conversationalist.
Funny, a coworker and I were just talking yesterday about how easy it is, when someone starts to tell you a story about their life, to interrupt and launch into a story from your own life.
I think being a reporter definitely helped me as a conversationalist. I learned to listen, to ask questions which showed I was listening, to carry myself in conversations which covered completely unfamiliar ground.
Reporter skills come in so handy, don’t they?
I like to ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. It keeps me from talking about myself too much. But then sometimes I get in a conversation with someone who uses the same technique…sneaky little buggers…and I’m left scrambling to turn the tables on them.
Oh, Sarah, you make me laugh. Next time I see you it will be a duel of questions!
I find that I babble (and they babble in return) when I haven’t seen or spoken to a friend in a long time. It’s like we’re both trying to catch up on how much life has happened since we last spent time together. My three sisters and I do that. But somehow, we all get what each other says.
That kind of “haven’t seen you in forever” conversation? So, so understandable!
I am guilty of the monologue at home for sure–i talk a lot around the people I love/trust. In public/social situations I probably come across as a journalist–b/c I ask a lot of questions! Part of it is because for me it’s safer to listen than to divulge.
Great topic Beth!
I’m with the other folks- asking questions. But I’m guilty of talking too much when it’s a topic I’m passionate about. This was perfect when I was a teacher and I could talk all day to a room full of high schoolers who had to listen…err, pretend like they were listening.