I was afraid of the dark when I was a child.
Truth is, I was afraid of the dark when I was a 21-year-old newlywed. That was a bit of surprise to my husband.
I had both real and imaginary reasons to be afraid of the dark. Make believe monsters are scary enough. The real-life ones? Those are harder to face, both in the dark and in the daylight.
As a child, I created elaborate rituals to protect myself when it came time to go to bed and to turn off the lights. I surrounded myself with a barricade of stuffed animals and backed myself against the wall.
A little comfort. No real protection.
I also dragged out my good nights with verbal mantras of “’Night. Love you. See you in the morning. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams,” as if my words wove some sort of magical defense through my room.
In my teen years, dealing with my fear of the dark was simpler: I just left the lights on. All night long.
As a mom, I didn’t want to pass my irrational fear of the dark on to my children. It was time to find my brave, even if I had to fake it for their sakes.
Sometimes we grow up not because we know how to, but because we know we need to … first for someone else, and then for ourselves.
This process seems out of order. We should value ourselves enough to do the hard thing, the needed thing. But we don’t. Maybe it’s because we’re comfortable in our normal, even if normal is hindering us.
Our fear isn’t harming anyone else, right? No one even knows how we walk hand-in-hand with fear because we cope so well, surrounding ourselves with grownup rituals and mantras. Sometimes we disguise them as prayers.
But fear limits us. Fear tells us we can’t. Fear tells us we shouldn’t. Because of my fear of the dark, I dealt with an undercurrent of anxiety every day of my life for years. The sun started to set and my fear ratcheted up.
Faking being brave only accomplishes so much.
Fear is the belief that someone or someone is dangerous – usually because of something that happened to us. This is my very unprofessional, non-medical definition of fear.
Darkness is just that – dark. There is nothing bad or evil about the darkness. God made both day and night – and he called both good. Do bad things happen at night? Yes. But bad things happen in the light of day, too.
Am I still afraid of the dark?
No, no, I’m not.
Walking in the light of freedom started with not wanting my children to be afraid. Then I realized I wanted to not be afraid – just for me.
I had to do the hard work of getting to the “why” of my fears. I had to walk back into the darkness of my abuse and drag it into the light. Allow reality to be as ugly as it was, while realizing God is bigger than what happened to me. Allow him to heal me. To gather up all the broken pieces and make me whole.
Choosing not to be Afraid of the Dark https://bit.ly/3dM5mKP #courage #choices Share on X 'The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.' Quote by @BreneBrown https://bit.ly/3dM5mKP #darkness #light Share on X
Comments 11
Even as a grown woman, I’ve struggled with having a fear of the dark. And at times, it has been a great struggle, depending on where I was. In my head, I would repeat one of my favorite verses over and over–“When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Psalm 56:3 I had to remember–no matter my fear, God was with me.
Thanks for the great reminder, Beth! <3
Author
Hi, Lisa: Thank you for your honesty, my friend. I battled my fear of the darkness for years, until I was brave enough to confront my abuse. At night, I would repeat Psalm 4:8 (NIV): “In peace I will lie down and sleep,for you alone,Lord,make me dwell in safety.” It’s one of my anchor verses to this day.
The darkness was the ocean
in which I once swam,
and this may give a notion
of who I was, and am.
People can sleep peacefully
for somewhere in the night
eyes are searching ceaselessly
and fingers long to fight.
And so, who would do evil,
hearken to my words;
return ye to the devil,
or you will feel our swords
that pierce you past the mortal limit;
fear the dark, for we are in it.
Author
Andrew: I know we’ve walked different paths, but I am so thankful that God allowed our paths to cross. I look forward to the day we meet face-to-face. And if it be in heaven, know that I’ll be looking for you, friend.
As I shall seek you out, Beth.
I’m sorry you experienced that. I don’t consider your childhood fear of the dark irrational but a symptom of a problem that needed dealing with. I’ve seen variations of that theme in others I know and love. May parents and those close to situations pick up warning signs to deal effectively until the triggering causes are removed and the individuals suffer no longer. I appreciate that strength came out of it for you to help others now!
Author
Thank you, Dee, for understanding. And yes, the fear was a symptom. And as Psalm 34:4 (NIV) says: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
I hadn’t heard that Brene Brown quote. That is so true. The dark defines the light. And yes, God is bigger than what happened to you! I’m glad He led you to healing!
Author
Lynn: Brené Brown is quite insightful, isn’t she? I was looking for another quote for the blog post I planned to write when I came across this quote … and another blog post was born! Trivia: Did you know Brené Brown’s first name is Casandra?
Beth, I so appreciate your vulnerability here. I think we all have fears. I love your process of working through it. When I was first married, my husband had to travel for three months. I realized I had fears of something happening to him that kept me up at night. God helped me walk through the whys of that fear, and in time, I was able to surrender it to Him. But it seems like dealing with fears always begins with understanding the whys of it.
Author
Good morning, my friend. I agree with you that dealing with fears always begins with understanding the whys of it — and you were courageous enough to do so!