@bethvogt
Get over it.
Those three words just may be my least favorite words. Ever.
Quite honestly, I’ve heard the words more than once in my life. Way too many times. Sometimes they’re disguised in the phrase “Don’t be so sensitive.” Three different words – same intent: Get over it.
A number of years ago, I shared a struggle with a friend – how I was just beginning to face the reality of my abuse. It was one of the first times I chose to say anything. A few halting words. Her response? “I find it best to get over it.”
And that was the end of our conversation.
Most often we hear the counsel to “Get over it” after we’ve shared a hurtful experience with someone. How we’re shattered by abuse. Or betrayal. Or an unjust accusation that cut us to the core because someone we considered our friend spoke the lie.
We’re hoping for comfort. For understanding. It’s not about wallowing, but about having a safe place where we’re heard. A few moments where the burden of our heartache is shared before we shoulder it again.
But instead, we hear, “Get over it.”
Instead of the emotional hug we’re longing for – that we need – we experience a verbal slap across the face.
I asked my friend Wise Guy what he thought about advising people to “Get over it” – and yes, I was honest about how I abhorred the advice.
“Telling someone to ‘Get over it’ is telling her to pretend,” Wise Guy said, “or that she doesn’t matter.”
And that’s the point.
We should never tell a friend to fake it when they’re hurting. To put on a “happy face” and act like everything is okay.
We should never make a friend feel like they don’t matter – especially when they’re struggling with a deep heartache that is causing them to question how they manage the emotional fallout of what happened while they figure out how they heal from it.
I’ll say it again: This is not about wallowing in our pain. But we all deserve the time and space to acknowledge our pain, to process the cause of our pain, and to heal from our wounds.
In our pain, we need to be wise about who we go to for comfort and counsel. Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone can be there for us and point us to healing. As my husband so wisely pointed out, some people are not equipped to help us, and some people have not healed from their own wounds.
But it’s also important to remember that healing is not accomplished by pretending or by being invalidated.
Healing is not accomplished by pretending or by being invalidated.I always search for just the right quote to accompany my blog posts and settled on Helen Keller’s words:
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
Such hope there, isn’t it? That’s what we should offer one another when we’re hurting: hope.
I also found these additional words that spoke truth:
- “It’s not the forgetting that heals. It’s remembering.” Amy Greene (1975-), American novelist
- “Everybody has losses – it’s unavoidable in life. Sharing our pain is very healing.” Isabel Allende (1942-), Chilean author
- “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16: 24 (NIV)
How do you offer hope to someone who is hurting and ensure that they feel heard?
Choosing to Hear Each Other When We're Hurting http://bit.ly/32N2TZD #listen #relationships Share on X 'Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.' #Quote by Helen Keller http://bit.ly/32N2TZD #perspective #hope Share on X
E-BOOK SALE!
Moments We Forget, book 2 in my Thatcher Sisters Series, is still on sale for only $1.99. It’s a great time to get — or gift — a copy.
Moments We Forget, book 2 in the Thatcher Sisters Series by @bethvogt, is still on sale for only $1.99! It's a great time to get - or gift - a copy of the #ebook. https://buff.ly/2uzRAVM #sale #booklovers @Crazy4Fiction Share on X
Comments 12
I’d like to offer refuge here
in some quiet leafy glade,
but there are monsters drawing near
and ‘rest’ ain’t why you’re paid.
The hand that life has dealt you
did really, really suck,
and while my sympathy is true,
you’re damn straight outta luck.
So wipe your eyes and dry the tears,
and turn away the frown.
None of us have golden years,
and we’re all going down.
I’m sorry for your fear and pain,
but the last men, yeah, go out again.
Author
Andrew: I know you face more than most every single day.
But I also know you do provide a place of rest and refuge for your furry “least of these.”
And my condolences on your recent loss of two of your pack. I know that weighs heavy on your heart, my friend.
Beth, thank you so much for this.
Well said Ms. Beth. Perhaps that’s why God is the very best friend we can ever hope to have. He’s never told me to “Get over it.” Instead, He hugs my heart, tells me to take His hand, and assures me that He’ll help me through it.” Thank you for sharing this much-needed truth ma’am. God’s blessings.
Author
J.D.: It’s so true that God is a God of comfort and compassion. He never says “Get over it.” No, He says, “Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest …” Matthew 11:28.
Wise Guy gave you great true comments. I appreciate this comment – sent from Israel where rockets are falling but we have such a sense of being led and kept.
Author
Praying for your continued safety while you are in Israel, dear Dee — and all of those with you.
Oooh, I love this (and you), Beth. I can’t stand someone saying “Get over it.” If I could, I would, but I can’t. And I love Amy Greene’s quote about remembering heals. There’s the truth of it, and, you’re right, it’s not about wallowing.
I just posted something similar. Well, not really, but “sort of” a funny version of your blog post.
Thanks for writing so we know we’re not alone in not getting over it. ❤️
Author
Kim: I love it when we both post similar thoughts. I will go track down what you wrote — I’m assuming it’s on Facebook.
Beth, it’s a meme about depression, so you’d never recognize it as the same because it’s not. Geez, not sure why I said it was. Your post just reminded me of it. So, yeah, just ignore me. lol 😂
“Telling someone to ‘Get over it’ is telling her to pretend or that she doesn’t matter.”
Indeed.
Absorbing this message at an early age, I learned to cope by stuffing pain and honing my happy face. It’s tough when your own inner voice conspires with the “get over it” crowd. I unknowingly began a life journey where my pain didn’t matter. My needs didn’t matter. I didn’t matter.
How can one hit full stride with those millstones?
While buried under the weight of deep depression a few years back, a book crossed my path: “No More Faking Fine: Ending the Pretending” by Esther Fleece. The title alone found its mark. The words within pointed me back to the Biblical language of lament as a tool in processing through instead of pretending. God is big enough to hear all our stuff and will never leave us as we wade through it.
Just as J.D. Wininger shared above, God never tells us to get over it. So, following His example, we can chose the better path of listening, empathizing, and coming alongside others with grace.
God has granted me safe listeners. Their friendship is golden. And my journey with pain and the added blow of the occasional, “Get over it!” combine as teachers, challenging me to dig deep before I speak into others’ struggles; to enter in with them in some capacity not to
just get over it, but to be okay while in it and as they get through it.
Author
Bernadette: I so love what you shared — how the biblical language of lament brought healing for you, allowing you to process instead of pretend. Such rich truth in your words, friend.