“‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
I read today’s quote and thought, “Huh.”
Author Anne Lamott spoke a whole lot of truth with those five words.
We can say “no” to someone and not feel obligated to offer our reasons for declining an invitation or for stepping away from an opportunity.
We can say “no” and resist someone’s second and third attempts to persuade us to change our minds or to pray about this decision again — as if we hadn’t thought out our “no” well enough the first time. As if we hadn’t prayed over our decision sufficiently to hear God’s voice leading us to a “no,” not a “yes.”
“No” is a sufficient response. We don’t have to say, “No, and I’m so sorry I can’t (fill in the blank), but I have to (fill in the blank).” We don’t have to say, “No, I won’t be there, but (proceed to list all the reasons why you can’t make the meeting or the get-together or the church activity or the family gathering).”
Just say “no” … and know your simple “N-O” answer is enough. Other people may not like it, but that doesn’t mean you owe them anything more than a polite “no.”
In Your Words: What do you think about “no” being a complete sentence? How does that work for you?
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Comments 15
A simple No does say a lot…like, “You’re not worthy of an explanation.”
We’re not here to make the best use of our time. We’re here to make the best use of our hearts.
Author
Andrew:
I think you can give a polite “no,” with no explanation — and not insult anyone.
And this?
We’re not here to make the best use of our time. We’re here to make the best use of our hearts.”
Love that.
Beth, I think it’s possible to give a polite No without being hurtful, but it’s absolutely dependent upon the context o both the request and the relationship, and I suspect it’s more limited than we might think.
If we turn it around…when I am moved to ask a friend or acquaintance something, and receive an unexplained ‘No’, I’ll be much, much less likely to approach that person in future, because ‘No’ covers a host of reasons, ranging from the impersonal ‘not right now’ to the very personal ‘I just don’t really like you’. I’m not terribly sensitive (Barb would say, think rhinoceros) but that No would beget a wall of future caution, a kind of de facto No in return.
And in what seem to be simple cases…the cold sales call in which No would seem to be appropriate, and be followed by an unsaid ‘Go Away’…it’s easy to forget that the salesperson’s human.
When I could no longer work, Barb had to re-enter the workforce, and her first job was direct sales, door-to-door (or business-to-business, more accurately). I saw how wearing it was, to be simply told No, and then be expected to leave…and how it gave her some understanding of what customers might need when the No was followed by an explanation.
We will all be supplicants one day, and until then we should freely give that which we will hope for, the grace of being taken seriously to warrant explanation.
If I may be allowed the luxury of a third comment, I guess my argument against No as a complete sentence can be summarized thus:
We don’t and can’t know what a supplicant is risking by asking our favour; it may be trivial, or it may be all the courage they have left.
Maybe it’s not our problem, or maybe Donne was right in saying “Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
Author
Andrew:
I think what I’ve learned is to consider each situation as it is. Do you best.
And realize that yes, “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t be afraid to use it as such.
Author
Andrew: I appreciate you sharing Barb’s example.
However, I also know that there are times when people barge into our lives uninvited and even a polite “no” doesn’t stop them — they keep spinning their sales pitch or their story or their whatever — disrespecting our verbal boundary. And so a more forceful “no” is needed. I always feel bad — but their actions, not mine, has caused the need for me to act in such a way.
Point taken on that, Beth.
It works for me. Somewhere along the way (at the age of two, perhaps) we’ve been taught that saying ‘ no’ isn’t nice. If that’s the way we look at ‘no’ then by continuing to ask, we’re assuming we’re giving people a chance to do the right thing. The problem is, the people we ask are oftentimes the people we suspect can’t say ‘no’. People who say ‘yes’ under those circumstances aren’t doing anyone a favor (favors are offered, not demanded); they’re doing themselves a disservice. No is a good, strong word that shouldn’t have morality attached to it.
Author
Hi, Siri — so glad you joined the conversation today. I loved what you said: “No is a good, strong word that shouldn’t have morality attached to it.”
Recently, my daughter was asked to step into a leadership role at her school. She thought about the opportunity. Prayed about it. And said no. (She knew she was going to be asked and had been discussing this with us for several weeks. Praying about it, too.) Well, the adult leader came back and asked her again, saying, “Will you pray about it?” As if she hadn’t done that. I’m sorry — that question implies she hadn’t already done that.
What an absolutely great quote. Agreed. The picture it gives is of an attractive but efficient white picket fence protecting a lovely flowering rose bush so it can do its thing protected from nibbling deer and other critters!
Author
Great word picture, Dee. We need boundaries to protect ourselves — and a good, strong “no” is unqualified protection.
“No” is one of the hardest words to say, but the older I get, the better I get at saying it. It is even harder to make it a complete sentence and not try to justify it. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no, but I’m working on that. This is a great post!
Author
Ellie: Saying an unqualified “no” is something we learn as we grow up, mature – as we realize we matter.
Beth, what a great quote, and a great post. In the past, I was the one who felt she had to justify her no. And that came, in large part, from my fear of being rejected. I wanted people to still like me, even though I couldn’t do what they were asking.
Age has a way of helping us become more comfortable in our skin. I can say no and be okay with it. Especially if I’ve prayed about the request, and I’ve talked it over with my husband.
Author
Jeanne: As you say, no one wants to be rejected — and yet, we all need to learn to be okay with who we are. To learn to establish boundaries of “this is me” — and “me” includes boundaries of both “yes” and “no”.