We all grow up knowing our place in our families. And that “place” determines our identity.
Firstborn. Middle child. The baby. Sometimes we’re the only child.
Among my two brothers and two sisters, I was the ugly one.
Now before you say something like, “Surely you exaggerate,” let me assure you I’m not.
I knew my place in my family because it was clearly assigned, stated out loud, by both my siblings and my parents. To this day, I still hear their words in my head. I still see where I was when the words were spoken.
I grew up knowing I was ugly because what else was I to believe? Our family of origin is where we first learn truth. About life. About ourselves. Who was I to question what I was told? I was a child all those years ago, not one to question authority, or a sibling for that matter.
I believed what they said. Even worse, I agreed with what they said.
This post isn’t a “woe is me” monologue. Believe me when I say I’m fine – even more, I’m healed.
With this post, I challenged myself to take one large “Mother, may I?” step forward in honesty to write openly about a lie I believed for decades. Years and years and years of my life I accepted the label of ugly. I wrapped the word around myself like some sort of itchy wool blanket. I saw the brand every single time I looked in the mirror.
Most likely we’ve all heard the phrase “Beauty is only skin deep.” It comes from a poem written by Sir Thomas Overbury in 1613 that states: “All the carnall beauty of my wife, Is but skin deep.”
My question is this: If beauty is only skin deep, why do we have so many problems getting past it?
Too many females of all ages are bullied by beauty. We’re taunted with questions like, “Am I pretty enough?” Other times, girls are told they’re too pretty. It’s as if we’re forced to grow up in a not-so-fun-house with distorted mirrors, warping our sense of self.
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, will I ever be pretty enough at all?
How can we be satisfied with who we see in the mirror when we wage the beauty battle every single day of our lives? When people – family, friends, enemies, the media – are all too-willing to judge our appearances? When beauty is defined by photoshopped graphic images presented as reality? When “skin deep” beauty rules the day and we’re found lacking – or ironically too much – again and again and again?
Today? I’ve thrown off the lie of ugliness, but I was 30 years old before I did so. That’s a lot of years of shouldering the weight of a falsehood.
When my three daughters were growing up, I chose my words oh so carefully about their looks. I talked to them over and over again about how they could talk about themselves. They know my story and they don’t allow me to talk negatively about myself, either. We’ve got each other’s back.
And yes, life is more than the pursuit of what I call the longing for a little bit of pretty. But, friends, we can’t deny the battle with beauty. We need to help each other confront our lies. Find healing. And recognize the truth that each of us possesses our own personal little bit of pretty.
The Ongoing Battle with Beauty http://bit.ly/3aSedIP #identity #encouragement Click To Tweet 'I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.' Author Unknown http://bit.ly/3aSedIP #beauty #selfworth Click To Tweet
Comments 30
Well, that’s certainly a powerful, honest, hardhitting post. Sorry you went through that. Surely, your words will help many specific readers. Bless you and may there be many more far-reaching results than you can ever realize.
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Thank you, Dee, for your compassionate words. My hope is to encourage others with this post … to start an honest conversation. Offer some insight, as well as gain some insight. And I am blessed. When I look in the mirror these days, I see a woman who smiles. A lot. And a woman who knows the Truth.
This issue of beauty is so prevalent in our society. I, too, am writing a post about it, but from the side of how we pick on ourselves about looks. Anyway, Beth, you’ve always been and shall be beautiful to me. I love your smile! You radiate joy. Thank you for your honest words today.
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Becky: I’ve always said happiness equals beauty. And I’ve embraced the happiness God has brought into my life. I look forward to reading your post about beauty.
Ahhhh Beth. What profound truth your words hold. This has been a struggle for me my entire life. We all have those lies we believe because we’re told them by people who are supposed to love us, or we hear them when we’re small. So, of course, they must be true.
I love that you were so intentional with your daughters, and that you have each others’ backs when it comes to the idea of beauty. In my opinion, every single one of you is not only beautiful on the outside, but even more, on the inside.
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Jeanne: Embracing trustworthy, safe relationships where we can be our honest selves … it’s so life giving. I appreciate our friendship for that reason. And yes, those kind of relationships are born of intentionality.
When I look at you, my friend, I not only see physical beauty, I see strength, wholeness, peace, truth, humor, love, honor, kindness and much more, and I think to myself, “I want to look just like her.”
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Fran: When I recall the beginnings of our friendship, I remember entering your house for the couples’ Bible study. Seeing you come around the corner and greeting me with a warm, welcoming smile — so beautiful! And I thought, “I could be friends with her.” And all these years later, I am so, so thankful we are friends.
Siblings can be cruel and jealousy makes people speak untruths. In my 65 years (mind’s age 40😊) I’ve learned more and more that most of us carry some pain from childhood. It’s a fallen world and there are no perfect parents including believers.
It’s apparent you have taken that experience and are intentional in speaking positives into the lives of family and others. I’ve seen that firsthand and it’s an encouraging reminder to myself. Thank you for sharing.
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Daphne: It’s true that family relationships are complicated. And I know I hurt my family too. I’ve prayed over that … I still do. And I’ve learned from those experiences … grown from those experiences.
They try to put you in your place,
for power is their heart’s desire;
not compassion, never grace,
and they will set your world afire.
The demeaning of those in one’s care
steals the essence of the soul
making life so hard to bear,
preventing heart from being whole.
It’s fine to say, “This isn’t God!”
but comes the message, day on day,
and though the paradigm is flawed,
the words will never go away.
How many futures have been shuttered
by words that a parent uttered!
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A lot of truth in the words you penned today, Andrew. And I know how deeply you understand it all. Praying for you. Always.
And you and yours are ever in our prayers.
Isn’t it incredible how words we hear as children are in bedded in us and so difficult to quiet? I rejoice in your healing, for you are beautiful inside and out. What a gift to your daughters that you learned from that hurt and spoke to them so carefully. I have done the same with my girls and pray that that foundation will override the messages of the world. Thank you for your honesty and your inspiration.
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Good morning, Erin. I certainly am not a perfect mom, but I pray God filled in the flaws with His grace and that my daughters know they are beautiful and loved. I think the most important thing is that, above all, our children know that we love them.
I’ve always thought of you as a beauty who knows how to dress and speak well. Heads turn! You’ve worked, and I mean courageous hard work, to add faith, truth, wisdom, taken miles of travel, listened, learned, waited, used self-discipline, and deeply cared into this radiant package of a fully alive body and soul. You are an exquisite gift to the people in your life! Proof, living proof, of a Creator who lovingly designed each one of us.
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Robyn: To be honest, there were years in my life I wore a mask. I believe many of us master mask-wearing for different reasons. However, I would never claim “beauty” as a mask. Now? I no longer wear masks. Honesty is one of my most prized values. And yes, I can see my beauty. (And to be honest, that was a difficult sentence to write. But I wrote it anyway.) Much love to you, Golden Girl. Thankful for our years of friendship.
Being raised in a dysfunctional family and we moved around a lot wasn’t self esteem building. Constantly dealing with “where am I in this.”
Sometimes not even being aware of the issues other siblings were dealing with. Caught in between those family struggles was terrible.
“You are wonderfully made by God and He makes us beautiful”. Raising our children to believe those words is a challenge when we don’t fully believe them ourselves.
I was number 2 in a family of 4 kids. We have all had our times of feeling ugly or inferior in some way.
Finding a totally accepting God that will take us and love us JUST AS I AM is the turning point in life.
Praying for that understanding will be a life long struggle.
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Sandy: Thank you for joining the conversation today. You spoke a lot of truth. My friend Mary Agius shared this verse with me yesterday after she pre-read the post for me: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30 NKJV) She reminded me again that it’s all about exchanging Lies for the Truth. A choice. Again and again and again.
The first time I saw our pastors wife I thought how plain she looked certainly by no means pretty. After getting to know her my thoughts changed and she was transformed into a beauty in my eyes.
I’m 65 and every morning it seems a new wrinkle appears when I look in the mirror. It’s frustrating to say the least. Makeup doesn’t cover them well either. But I’m thankful I wake up everyday and can still get around on my own.
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Gail: Your words highlight my question of “If beauty is only skin deep, why do we have so many problems getting past it?” But we do … we can. If we choose to. If we take the time to. Sometimes it is harder when we are looking in our own mirror, isn’t it? And yes, being thankful for our life and the blessings we have is the antidote.
Every time I think I’ve found peace or healing, some celebrity makes a remark. And, all the emotional scars rear up.
I was born with a cleft lip. I’ve had two surgical repairs, one as an infant, and the second when I was ten. The scar is less noticeable, but it will never be gone. When I smile, my lip curls under on one side. As a young child, especially before the second surgery, I was called horrible, ugly names. Even as an adult, sometimes someone will use a derogatory or archaic term. I’d love to say it doesn’t hurt, but it does. I once even had a doctor ask me how I got my “injury.” My medical history is in the chart. It’s not an injury. It always makes me feel ugly.
Earlier this month, a talk show host made a remark, which was bad enough, but she then pushed her lip up to mimic the look of the scar. She made a half-hearted apology. It’s not even the first time I’ve seen a celebrity do something like that.
Accepting one’s looks, especially when one has endured a lifetime pain of emotional scars, is hard, even when we give the burden over to Him.
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Oh, Denise … I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve endured. The saying we’ve all heard — “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”? I don’t know who said that, but it is so untrue. Words can hurt us the most and leave unseen scars. And some burdens we carry over and over again, no matter how many times we give them to God. Praying for you today, my friend.
Thank you.
I met you when I was around 13! I knew you were witty, had a nice voice, loved to play and read and write. I admired you then and now.💓
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Than you for this, Mary. I always, always admired you, too, for so many reasons. I still do.
What a hard-hitting blog. Thanks for being transparent Beth! My nickname was Ms. Piggy and Ugleshia growing up.
So yeah. I get it.
How awesome it is to now live in the truth. Even better, we’ve taught our girls truth!
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*stunned silence*
Alena: You are one of the most amazing women I know. And you are stunning. Beautiful. Gracious. Kind. I am so thankful that we now walk in the truth and speak the truth.
Beth, I am so sorry you received those hurtful messages from your family of origin. Those things stay with us; but I’m so glad you have found healing. I remember a neighbor calling me “pleasantly plump”, and that’s stayed with me.
You are beautiful; but so often we forget that the biggest source of beauty is our kindness, our smiles, our confidence. And those come with healing, with a growing relationship with our loving Father.
Bless you for sharing your experience and opening a conversation on this topic.
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Carol: Thank you for joining the conversation — and for reminding us that our loving heavenly Father longs to heal our deepest wounds. One of my favorite verses is “He desires truth in the innermost being” Psalm 51:6. I memorized during the early days of my journey of replacing Lies with Truth. Leaning into God’s love for me — truly believing it — made all the difference.