@bethvogt
My husband and I spent the weekend in Minnesota visiting our youngest daughter at college. I took thousands of photos of Christa’s volleyball team during practice and the two matches the team played on Friday and Saturday. We took her off campus for “real food.” But my favorite part?
The time at the Mall of America.
Let me explain.
I’d called the activity for the day on Sunday, our last day there: time together, just Rob, me, and Christa. But what to do? Hanging at the mall might not rank high on my husband’s list of favorite things to do, but the mall provided lots of room to walk and talk and yes, some more “real food” for Christa.
Late breakfast? Bubba Gump’s. Then we strolled the expansive mall and saw the indoor amusement park, complete with a water ride and Ferris wheel, and the art display of football helmets commemorating the 100th anniversary of the NFL. Yes, we took photos by different family members’ favorite teams. Unexpected dessert later in the day? A stop at Carlo’s Bake Shop for cannoli and a strawberry éclair. Neither was gluten-free, but it was fun to see Rob and Christa enjoy their treats. We’re also fans of the TV show Cake Boss.
And now I come to my favorite part of our weekend, which happened as we sat at a round table outside Carlo’s Bake Shop.
The three of us talked. And talked. And talked. For almost 3 hours. For most of that time, Christa talked. About life at college. Her classes. Volleyball. Her faith. Her friendships. How much she loved being in Minnesota. How much she missed family and being home.
Rob and I did very little talking and a whole lot of listening.
And that … that is the part of our visit I keep replaying in my mind.
It was a special kind of joy to listen to Christa talk about her life. What she’s learning. Her struggles. Her decision-making process. Her insights.
One of the greatest privileges we parents have is the opportunity to listen to our children. When they’re younger, they live with the whole “listen to your parents” creed, and sometimes … sometimes as they grow up, we forget to transition to talking and listening, overlooking the value of listening to our children.
Oh, sure. We’re the parents and we have things to teach our kids. Good things.
But I’ve learned through the years that my children teach me good things too. They see things differently than I do. Sometimes their approach to life, to relationships, is better than mine. More creative. More forgiving. More fun. And if I’m willing to watch and listen, I learn about who they are. And sometimes I’m changed in the process too.
Listening to Christa during those few hours at the mall, I recognized she’s still my daughter … and also that she’s changing. And that’s as it should be. There’s room in our relationship for both. And if we keep loving one another – and listening to one another – we’ll get through these college years just fine.
Choosing to Listen to Our Children http://bit.ly/36eln86 #family #change Click To Tweet 'Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.' Quote by Alan Alda http://bit.ly/36eln86 #perspective #relationships #listen Click To Tweet
Comments 10
Not having kids, and being way too sick to care, I have no idea what to say, except to have some fun.
They say that we should pay attention
when the young ones ask to speak;
but this often doesn’t mention
that they know not what they seek.
Experience is the final tutor
of that which we need to thrive,
and bet your a**, the years don’t neuter
what it takes to still survive.
The kids have got the Big Ideas
that will do just as they please;
to me, it’s verbal diarrhea
that needs be cut of at the knees.
Age and treachery, for the kill,
will always conquer youth and skill.
Author
Andrew: Good morning, my friend. An interesting start to our conversation this morning. I find that, sometimes, neither the young nor old know what they are seeking. The reason is lack of guidance from those going before them. It’s natural to have questions, to lack clarity. People have abandoned their posts, so to speak. Where are the mentors, the friends, yes, even the parents, to listen and to guide? Just musing out loud on this cold — COLD — Colorado morning …
I love this post. SO glad the three of you had that time together. Listening may be the greatest and most loving gift, and you do that well. How fun to see Christa maturing, gaining confidence, and really the love stretching to new greater limits of deep roots and more confidence, too.
Author
I agree, Dee, that listening my be the greatest and most loving gift. So well said, my friend.
This empty nesting makes me so appreciate listening to the voices of my adult kids. I love hearing their concern for friends and acceptance of eccentricities of others. Through their words I see their mind and spirit wrestling with decision making processes as they consider alternatives and choices. They make me proud. Makes me wonder what God hears when He listens to me…
Author
Barb: Concern, yes. Acceptance, yes. And watching our children wrestle with their decisions … stepping back and giving them space to make their own choices. A few weeks ago, my daughter Christa said, “Let me make this decision for myself.” And my husband and I had to stay silent and do just that. Choke back the words — all our brilliant wisdom (ha!) and let her think it out for herself. She’s a smart young woman. And you know what? Even a mistake is allowed, too. I mean, we all make ’em, right?
Love that you value your daughter’s conversation. I remember those times with our son, our last to college. There’s more freedom when their the last because you don’t have a younger child to tend to their schedule. We took several trips to enjoy the mountains where our son attended ASU. He was a communications major and we were invited to see a viewing of videos made by student teams that were used to highlight different major programs at the university. We attended a couple of football games and we would get a hotel suite or rental to give him a break from dorm life and change of diet. Great memories and many conversations.
Author
🙂 Thank you for sharing those precious memories, Daphne. They brought a smile to my face.
I absolutely love this post Ms. Beth. The thing I loved most, was that I didn’t read “she talkded, we told her how to solve it.” It seems to me that you treated her respectfully, as the young adult she is. You and your husband made her feel she was an “equal” and that her thoughts and opinions mattered to you. My guess is that she knew those feelings already; she knew she could trust you enough to share her heart, thoughts, and feelings. Amen! I thank God for this glorious example of how parenting is less about being the boss and more about being a helpmate and a friend as our children experience new seasons in their life. Wonderful job ma’am! God’s blessings…
Author
Thank you for your kind words, J.D. They are greatly appreciated. My husband and I have learned the importance of listening to — and hearing — our children. Of valuing them for who they are — and not expecting them to be mini-me’s.