Being Brave Enough to Deal with Our Stuff
by @bethvogt
Last weekend one of my closest friends texted me this question: When does all the baggage stop bubbling to the surface?
Her question is a bit of a mixed metaphor, yes, but still it brought to mind a vivid image: a murky lake filled with suitcases bobbing to the the surface.
Works for me.
In her next text, my friend answered her own question: Oh, yeah! When I deal with it.
I mulled over her personal Q&A for the rest of the day.
I didn’t bring a lot of personal belongings into my marriage.
Unclaimed baggage, yes.
Belongings, no.
I was a just-turned 21-year-old finishing up my junior year of college when I got married.
My mom took me shopping a few weeks before the wedding. She instructed me to wait in the dressing room and tossed various outfits into me, making certain I had some sundresses and shorts and tops suitable for my new married life in California. My wardrobe filled a single suitcase.
Besides the one suitcase, I also brought along some emotional baggage I didn’t bother to claim for quite a few years. I stuck it out of sight, not mentioning it to my husband. But with each move we made—back across country for Rob to go to medical school or to Andrews Air Force Base where he started residency or overseas to Turkey—I lugged those virtual bags with us.
I didn’t discuss the contents of those unopened bags until I was in my early thirties.
There comes a time when you have to say, “Oh, that luggage? Yeah, that’s mine.”
And then you have to deal with your stuff.
I didn’t deal with my history of abuse until I was 33 years old. And when I say “deal with,” I mean I started to examine the possibility of what had happened. I was 36 years old when I finally admitted the truth.
What can I say? I unpack slowly.
When we ignore unclaimed baggage for most of our lives, deciding to acknowledge we even own that “suitcase” is a monumental decision. Opening it and sorting through the contents is on par with an emotional earthquake.
Reality is, when we don’t deal with something tragic or traumatic that occurred in our lives years ago, it’s still affecting us. And because it’s affecting us, it’s affecting other people in our lives, too.
Unclaimed baggage messes with everyday life. It’s like the decision we make anytime we come home from a trip: unpack the suitcase now or unpack the suitcase later? Wait until later? We’re walking around the thing sitting in our bedroom, banging our toes on it, shoving it out of the way, and all the while the dirty laundry is festering.
Not dealing with my past meant I believed lies about myself – and those lies affected my relationships with others and with God. Facing my past allowed me to move forward with honesty about who I was and what I wanted.Was it hard? Was it painful? Was it worth it? Yes. Yes. Yes.
Each one of us has to decide what we want to do with our emotional baggage: ignore it and let it affect us and our relationships … or unpack it and deal with it in an honest, healthy way. Like my friend said, it will keep bubbling to the surface until we deal with it. Identifying Unclaimed Emotional Baggage: Being Brave Enough to Deal with Our Stuff http://bit.ly/2Nwkmzb #choices #honesty Click To Tweet 'You just have to get rid of so much baggage to be light enough to dance, to sing, to play. You don't have time to carry grudges; you don't have time to cling to the need to be right.' #quote by @ANNELAMOTT http://bit.ly/2Nwkmzb Click To Tweet
Comments 18
Beth, wow. There is so much grace and courage here.
I was abused as a child, but got over it quickly when I bought a .45 automatic at the age of eleven. Paper route money does give benefits, and the abusers zipped up. Yeah, that’s a double entendre.
I do ask that you pardon the lanugage (relatively mild, given the circumstances) below.
Yes, they tried to ruin me,
and I was still so young,
but old enough to plainly see
the bastards should have hung.
I thereby strove to find the shore
of freedom, and thereby a plan,
that I’d be safe forevermore,
or these creeps unman.
I only had to pull the piece
a few remembered times,
and so I found surcease
as they read between the lines.
They say that usually, understanding is the best,
but I say, unfailingly, a hollowpoint does the rest.
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Andrew:
Once again, you amaze me.
Really.
You make a point with poetry and yes, a bit of humor. Gallows humor, yes, but heh, it works.
Beth, you write so beautifully, truly, that it adds makes the hardest topic more effective and almost lyrical–amazing. I thank God for the onion layers of unpacking you have done and that add so much wealth to your books and our lives. May God bless and strengthen the depth and current of your writing every day.
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Dee: Thank you for the constant encouragement you pour into my life. And yes, our lives enrich our writing. And we comfort others in the way — and with the truth — we have been comforted.
Beth: thank you so much for writing this heartfelt post. I have been blessed by your words. Thank you for encouraging me to let go of things I’ve been unable or/and unwilling to just let go of.
I’m an emotional person, and sometimes ‘baggage’ never seem to go away because I just keep pushing them back into the darkness from which they came without courageously dealing with them(with God’s strength and patience). You have shown me a way to light through your example.
God bless you, sister in Christ!
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Odelia: I understand how it’s easier to just ignore the baggage. I encourage you to consider the help of a wise counselor, as well as the comfort and prayers of close friends. And let me just say, it is no sin to be an “emotional” person. I heard that phrase a lot growing up. One counselor looked at me and said, “Maybe you had reason to be emotional.” His words provided me emotional breathing space — and unpacking my baggage provided me the ability to be me in a healthy, balanced way.
Oh my gosh, I love that Anne Lamott quote! And you expounded so well on it. I just turned 65 and looking back, I am grateful for so much less baggage from the past. Now to continue on without storing more. Life still gives us opportunities at any age to pack it away. But I think many of us have gained some wisdom to let it go right away. Great post. Thanks for sharing it.
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Jan: You make a very wise point: we can haul unneeded emotional baggage at any age. Here’s to traveling light!
Beth, thank you for being courageous enough to share your story and your baggage. When the subject of abuse comes up among friends, due to the #MeToo movement, I’m always surprised at how many in the group share some part of that story. Yes, I’m tapping around my own luggage.
“Reality is, when we don’t deal with something tragic or traumatic that occurred in our lives years ago, it’s still affecting us. And because it’s affecting us, it’s affecting other people in our lives, too.”
So true. You wouldn’t think it if you knew me, but anger is my go-to emotion. It stopped the abuse, and I still use it when I’m stressed. If I could only remember that God is my protector. I don’t need that anger anymore.
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Angie: You’re correct, I wouldn’t think of you as an angry person. But I understand why you deal with anger — and anger is often a stop to stopping the abuse. We have reason to be angry. Sometimes, yes, the anger shows up again under stress. That doesn’t make us bad people — it makes us human.
Beth, this is filled with truth. We eventually. have to deal with our stuff, or it will deal harshly with us. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story. It seems we each go through our baggage at our own pace. I guess the most important thing is that we deal with it.
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Jeanne: It’s important to remember we can always ask for help with the unpacking. It’s a process.
Powerful insight. Loved this point and statement: “Unclaimed baggage, yes.” Now that’s the title of a book and the topic.
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Scoti: I love you, Brill. You are a good friend — and you always have an editor’s eye. 🙂
admitting the truth to oneself is only the first step in unburdening, but it’s the biggest step toward healing.
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Denise: Yes, healing always starts with truth.
Beth, what a powerful story. A power only superceded by your courage to tell it. I’ve been talking to a lot of people about baggage (obviously with a novel coming out with baggage in the title!) and that first step to open up and connect with people through your story is such a big one to take. I hope and pray others read this, see something of themselves and start to think about unpacking. Even if it’s slowly.
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Thank you for joining the conversation, David. I enjoyed visiting your website and blog. Several of my writing friends live in Australia.