Reality, Forgiveness, and an Apology
by @bethvogt
Bullying is a hot topic these days. It gets talked about in schools and covered in the media. Experts discuss both cause and prevention – admitting that solutions to bullying are not simple. About 1 in 3 U.S. students experience bullying.
Yeah, that statistic bothers me … but I grieved when my daughter Christa was bullied.
From eighth grade through her sophomore year in high school, Christa dealt with a girl in her school who directly and indirectly harassed her. Rumors were spread. Lies were spoken. Friendships were damaged. My daughter developed anxiety and struggled with her faith because, as she said one night, “How do you trust God when you’re asking Him for help and nothing’s changing?”
Here’s the happy ending first: Christa graduates from high school in ten weeks. Ten weeks. And she is good. The bullying is behind her. During their senior retreat, she sought out the opportunity to pray with the girl who harassed her because she didn’t want the situation hanging over her once she left school. Now they’re friendly with one another.
But achieving this happy ending wasn’t easy – for Christa or for me and my husband.
As parents, we want to protect our children.
And I look back on those three years – three years! – and I think, “How did that situation go on for so long?”
To be honest, I blame the high school administrators for mishandling the situation. But this blog post is not about listing their failures.
Because I also blame myself.
For too long we worked the system, expecting the system to work. We sent emails. Requested meetings. And repeat … repeat … repeat. All the while, we expected the principal and the high school counselor to step up and somehow protect our daughter. To understand what Christa was experiencing.
We expected them to do our job.
We are Christa’s parents. They aren’t.
We finally had enough of red tape and runarounds and said, “This is how we’re going to handle this situation – not according to how you want us to do so that it keeps happening, but how it needs to be handled.” And that’s when the girl stopped harassing Christa.
I’m only sorry – so, so, sorry that I can still cry when I think about it – that we didn’t do it sooner.
Did we stand by Christa every day she dealt with the bullying? Yes. Were we her advocates? Yes. Did we comfort her when she cried and listen to her when she needed to talk it out when her friends chose the other girl over her? Yes. Were there days and weeks and months of prayer by us and our closest friends? Yes
But we could have shaken off the “right way” of doing things and done the right thing by our daughter sooner. Sometimes it’s not about working the system. It’s about fighting for your daughter and telling her to stand up and fight for herself – and telling her that you’ll defend her right to do so.
And just like my daughter, I don’t want this situation hanging over me when she graduates.
I’m sorry, Christa, that we didn’t do more sooner.
I forgive the girl who bullied her.
I forgive the people who didn’t do more to protect her.
It’s time to move on to what’s waiting ahead for Christa … and not be held back by anything in the past.
Only by forgiving both the others involved and myself can we move forward.
Who's to Blame for Bullying? Reality, Forgiveness, and an Apology http://bit.ly/2TPyPg4 #bullying #forgiveness Click To Tweet 'Forgiving does not erase the bitter past .... We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.' Quote by Lewis B. Smedes http://bit.ly/2TPyPg4 #forgiveness #hope Click To Tweet
Comments 6
I was once a child, abused
until I learned how to survive
by making those who used
me face a loaded .45.
I got the taste for breaking chains
and took it with me, into school
where opportunity lived (and remains)
to do something violently cool.
Becoming the muscle for the weak
filled my heart with rapturous joy
and bullies found a losing streak
when they crossed this badass boy.
“Just pick on my friend again,
and rest assured…I’ll bring the pain.”
I don’t now how long I can keep this going.
Author
Andrew: Praying for you, my friend. I will tell you what I tell myself and others: Just do the next thing … and be gentle with yourself.
Author
Andrew: It doesn’t surprise me that you defended the weak, my friend. You still do.
Bullying seems to have escalated the last ten years and I think social media has fueled the fire. Our granddaughter has been bullied in her Christian School where our son attended for 13 years by someone who had once been a friend. Trying to be the cool kid at someone else’s expense is wrong.
I can remember as a kid through grade 3 that we were all friendly. It didn’t matter how you dressed, what kind of house you lived in or income status, you played together. But by 4th grade kids started separating into this group or that. I’m sure parents had some influence on that.
I believe as church attendance has declined bullying has increased. The family unit has declined. Lack of faith, instilling morals are no longer expected and neighbors don’t know how to be neighborly.
If you watch commercials it’s all about what “you” deserve. You’re special if you drive the right car, live in the cool neighborhood, wear the best clothes. Even the college admissions scandal is a clue as to the direction our country is heading. We’ve become a ‘me’ society.
We tried to instill in our now adult kids that they were to be respectful of everyone. And I’ve witnessed when they didn’t know I was watching and also with them they are kind to everyone.
My experience has been bullying is usually due to jealousy or the person thinks it makes them look better if they make you look smaller.
I’m sorry that the school didn’t address your situation. But your daughter is well grounded with a loving family. College has its own challenges but praying she connects with some genuine friends. Look forward to seeing college volleyball pics!
Author
Daphne: I appreciate all of your insights. As we’ve walked through this experience, we’ve been surprised by others’ stories — and the fact that schools struggled with their response. I would do things differently now. But I’m thankful for the one school administrator who recognized things had been mishandled. I’m thankful for friends who prayed for us and for Christa. I’m thankful she now encourages others — people who never suspected she dealt with this issue for three years. And yes, God was faithful through it all. We don’t want our children to face things like this, but the truth is, no one is promised an easy life.