A Few Truths I’ve Learned Living with Brokenness by @bethvogt
One thing I’ve learned?
Estrangement does not mean you don’t love someone.And yes, I speak from personal experience.
I’ve been estranged from my parents and four siblings for more than six years. That’s more than 2,190 days. My heart has carried the weight of every single one of those days.
I’ve also experienced all sorts of different emotions during those six-going-on-seven-years. Sometimes conflicting emotions within the same hour.
There were the early days, soaked in tears and stained with anger – mine and theirs.
There were days clouded with longing – the desire to pick up the phone and call someone. A sibling. A parent. To attempt a conversation. I still have those days on occasion. But then I realize nothing’s changed and the conversation would be unwise at best – and most likely emotionally reckless.
How can anything change if there’s no communication, you ask? Consider this: Just because you’re talking with someone doesn’t mean you’re communicating.
And then there are the days when I miss my mom. My dad. My two sisters. My two brothers. Usually it’s when a birthday rolls around. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas.
But my friend Wise Guy – remember him? – has helped me understand an important distinction. What I’m missing are the relationships I wish I’d had with my family, not the reality of the way things are – the way things were for years and years before the estrangement.
On those days, I whisper, “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas.” I pray for them. And I pray for me, too.
Often, you can come to accept that just because you love someone romantically it doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Sometimes you can love someone but it doesn’t work out.
Here’s another truth I’ve learned: Just because you are family doesn’t mean there’s love enough to fix what’s wrong. Sometimes … sometimes love does not conquer all.
But what about forgiveness, you say. What about reconciliation?
Estrangement doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven someone.There’s a scripture verse that encourages us to “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NLT)
Sometimes . . . sometimes you can’t do enough to bring the peace. And the hardest thing I’ve learned is to accept that reality. To stop trying to make everything okay. To stop thinking, “Maybe if I do this … or that … say this … or don’t say that, then I can fix everything. Maybe I can be the right person …”
And all the while truth was being hidden. I was being hurt. And when I took a stand for truth, that’s when our relationships were strained to the breaking point.
Even knowing all this, estrangement is still strange.
Where’s the hope in all this?
I know the estrangement is not my fault. And I’m not saying this emotional stalemate is my parents’ and siblings’ fault, either. We’re just . . . broken. And fixing what is broken is not my responsibility. Recognizing this allows me to step back and realize God is at work even when I don’t see it. God will let me know when and if He wants me to do something, say something . . . as He has all along. My hope and confidence is in what He will do – not in me and my imperfect efforts.
Understanding Estrangement: A Few Truths I've Learned Living with Brokenness http://bit.ly/2Dco78o #estrangement #familyrelationships Click To Tweet 'This Life is messy.' quote by Ken Livingstone http://bit.ly/2Dco78o #family #relationships Click To Tweet
Comments 43
When I hold a vial of acid,
damn straight I will wear a glove.
And though my heart be placid
this is often true for love.
Emotion burns when we are close;
the scars, we carry all life-long
but open doors are what we chose
and our choice may well be wrong.
Our value is what Christ defined;
we owe no man our soul.
Perhaps by distance,love’s refined,
and God will pay the toll.
A heart kept safe is not a crime;
rapprochement in God’s own time.
Author
Andrew:
You remind me on a daily basis that life doesn’t always go the way we planned … and yet, there can be beauty in it. And we can choose our actions and reactions.
Andrew, powerful and beautiful. I salute you.
Beth, this hard-won beauty and wisdom is like quartz crystals formed deep in the earth, perfect edges and design each time whether seen or not. I salute your journey, growth, and that you’re letting the prismed quartz crystals of your beauty and wisdom be seen. No wonder He made you a writer! Applause to Him and you.
Author
Dee: Thank you for that hug from afar. We all learn lessons along the way, don’t we?
Such a hard post to write but there are so many truths I needed to hear. Thank you for saying them.
Author
Angie: I’m thankful if this post encouraged you or others. Truth is hard-won sometimes.
“Often, you can come to accept that just because you love someone romantically it doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Sometimes you can love someone but it doesn’t work out.
“…Sometimes … sometimes love does not conquer all.”
Reading this hurt. This situation applies so directly to me.
But I needed this: having read it, I am comforted and encouraged. Thank you for writing this post. You have helped me so very much by sharing these hard-earned nuggets of pain-filled truth. God bless you.
Author
Odelia: You know, writing this post hurt, too. Even though I believe every word I wrote. And I am okay with where I am. Estrangement is still … strange. I’ve said this at other times: “reconciliation” is my favorite word in the Bible — and yet, I can’t fix this. And I have to be okay with that.
Prayers, my friend.
Author
Thank you, Pat. I do believe in the power of prayer. It isn’t always answered the way we expect, but God does listen and hear and act.
Beth you are not alone in your suffering. Sometimes forgiveness doesn’t warrant reconciliation. We can’t fix other’s brokenness. We cry in silent before the One who understands rejection. We must remember to recognize and embrace the joy that comes in the morning. Thankfully and prayerfully your sister in Christ.
Author
Thank you for your kindness and friendship, Daphne. Truly.
Thanks for opening up the discussion that helps us know we are not the ONLY one as one person commented. My heart goes out to the others because we all have our own experiences.
Why, oh why, do I get stuck thinking estrangement with family has signaled only me out? My heart is sad for you, Beth, but I admire your strength and courage to face your tomorrows. I’m relieved for you that you do not own up to this estrangement, that you do not take all the blame, nor do you resent anyone else. It’s taken me many years (sadly, I have umpteen years over your 6+) to face the fact that God loves me, no matter what, as well as that I am not the cause of this estrangement. May He continue to bless you.
Author
Elaine: I believe one of the enemy’s prime tactics is isolation — the “you’re the only one” ruse. And the only way to battle this is to be honest. Estrangement? It’s talked about in the Bible. Consider Jacob and Esau, brothers who were estranged for years. I’m sorry you are walking this road, too, friend. Praying for you.
Looks like I should also add blindfolds to the enemy’s tactic list.
Thanks for those prayers!
Beth, thank you for writing these brave words. Recently, my younger brother made communication impossible. I know God can change hearts. I have witnessed it. A friend and I prayed every Sunday night after church service for the restoration of a family. That family is now restored and enjoying their relationships after at least 10 years of separation and anger. Praying for your family and mine. Blessings.
Author
Judy: I’m sorry to hear about the challenges between you and your younger brother. And yes, healing takes time …and our hope is in God and what He can do. Not in our efforts.
I understand this from my own life, but thank you for sharing. It has been years since my brother and i have had a “NORMAL” relationship. I miss him, I pray for him and his family. I must trust God, but it still hurts sometimes.
Author
Mary: I think “NORMAL” = MESSY. Really. I do. But life is still good. God teaches me truth, brings stability, and my husband and my kiddos and my friends … it’s good.
With you in trusting our best friend as we stand, walk, and even run. May the puppies of golden hope lovingly rumble and tumble around you as they chase along the path with you.
Author
Oh, Robyn, so thankful for you, Golden Girl. 🙂
Hi, Beth:
Our friend, Lisa Jordan, sent me this link, hoping I would find….courage? Strength? Comfort?
My son and DIL left us behind 17 months ago, taking our only grandchildren with them. We have yet to meet sweet Addie who is now 10 months old.
We are broken, confused, stunned and hoping and praying daily for restoration. He truly is our prodigal son.
I have not reached the acceptance stage yet. In my heart, I feel that will cut the last tie. I have told him I’m always here, the door is always open, and they will be accepted with love and rejoicing.
Thank you for your words and thoughts. Many resonated with me.
Author
Kathy: Lisa Jordan is a precious friend. I’m so thankful to know her.
I’m sorry for your heartache. I understand broken, confused, stunned … and hoping and praying … all of it intertwined together.
One book that I read that encouraged my heart: The Beauty of Broken by Elisa Morgan.
Praying for you.
Oh, Beth, I so could have written every word of this post. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and tackling a tough topic.
As I think you know, I’ve been estranged from my family for 17 years. Dad and Mom have died since then, but there are still others. But like you said, it’d be unwise to reach out since I don’t think anything’s changed and I haven’t heard from God except “leave it alone.” A family member once told me the same thing you shared here, I miss the relationships I wish I’d had, not the ones we really had. Those were so painful.
Thank you for explaining that estrangement isn’t about unforgiveness or not loving them. It’s about brokenness. That’s the perfect explanation and all I’m going to say from now on when asked about my family, which sometimes still happens even after all these years. We’re broken.
One more thing and I’ll stop before I write an entire blog post of my own in your comment section. 🙂 I found my answer on one of their FB pages. They wrote “just because you forgive someone does not mean you trust them again or let them back into your life.” Well, there you go … I was grateful to have stumbled onto their post and my answer … for now, at least.
Author
Hello, my friend:
One day we will meet face to face and we will talk and talk and talk about all these “what, you too?” moments.
You are so wise …
Go ahead. Write that blog post.
And yes, sometimes the answers we receive are unexpected. Uncomfortable.
But they are the only ones that fill in the blanks.
I can’t wait for that day.
By the way, Susan Roche is my sister-in-law. We were at dinner last week and talking about some of this same stuff.
Author
Kim: We need to figure out how to make our long-awaited-much-needed get-together happen. 🙂 I’m just saying.
If you listen closely, you can hear me shouting “yes” to your whole blog. It is total brokenness that sometimes makes us realize that it’s ok to forgive but maybe not forget. We can’t fix a situation that has lost any hope and if it can’t change, then in my situation I forgave and walked away.
Most of my family is also estranged and has been for years. I’ve lost my father within this time,but I’m ok with that. I guess my feelings are between God and me about that now.
I thank you for your honesty! This was a hard subject to share!
Author
Susan, praying for you today, too. Brokenness is a reality for all families. It just looks different for each one of us. And yes, this was a challenging post to write, but also freeing.
Thank you.
I, too, have done this, and it’s not an easy decision, but it was made with prayer. It’s so hard when others don’t understand, but it’s not their place to understand or serve judgment. Only the Lord can do that.
Author
Denise: It’s challenging when others don’t understand. That’s why I wrote the blog post. It all started with the line: “Estrangement does not mean you don’t love someone.” And it grew from there. Sometimes I need to remind myself of these truths.
Hi Beth, I haven’t seen you or had a chance to talk to you in a long time, but I
was one of the women you interviewed for Baby Changes Everything. 🙂 Anyway,
I am sorry to learn of your estrangement from your family. My good friend, Elaine,
gave me this link to your article to be a comfort to me.
My two older children haven’t spoken to us in over two years. Holidays are the toughest for me. But as a mother, my heart aches every day. Some days are better than others, where I experience a lovely peace, trusting that nothing is wasted by God, that He can use every circumstance for good, and that nothing is impossible with Him, so there is always hope.
We have occasionally reached out. I didn’t want my kids to say someday, “Mom and Dad didn’t care enough to try.” I just wanted the peace of knowing I’ve done what I can. The rest is in His hands.
Other days, I just ache and wonder what I could have done differently as a parent. Yet I know they have made their choices. I did my best and it really is out of my hands now and I shouldn’t blame myself.
Thank you for sharing your testimony of acceptance and brokenness. There is much brokenness in this world, brokenness I never thought I’d see in my little family, and brokenness in me. Jesus knows all about it and I pray He will keep showing me the way. I admire your acceptance and peace in your situation. I see God’s grace in you.
Author
Hello, Kathleen: Wow … all the way back to my Baby Changes Everything days! And my caboose kiddo is graduating from high school in May.
I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing the pain of estrangement, too. I know how the days — and the emotions — go up and down, even as you choose to trust God. And yes, there is always hope. The challenge is to keep our eyes on Him and not our circumstances. Praying for you.
Beth, I had no idea. You have shown such grace in how you’re handling the situation. We live in a fallen world, but we can be grateful for those positive relationships God does surround us with. They can’t replace family or erase the hurt, but these other “family” members can help to fill the holes. You have so many who love you. I pray for the eventual healing of the broken relationships.
Author
Marie: God uses everything … everything for good. Not to say this hasn’t been difficult and painful. It has. But I’ve received wise counsel (and I’m thankful for Wise Guy), and the support of my family and friends. Thank you for your prayers.
Kathleen, I feel your pain, confusion, rejection and all those feelings that come with estrangement. My son, DIL, and 7 grandchildren live only 4 miles from me and I haven’t seen them in 15 months not even the newest baby. My heartache is what all these little (age 1 to 15) grandchildren think about why they can’t see me anymore. What is this teaching them about relationships, communication and forgiveness. I so miss their hugs and talking with them. The not knowing what I’ve done is the hardest. I pray God will make a way where there seems to be no way. I pray this for you also. And thank you Beth for bringing this subject to the light.
Author
Jane: I’m sorry you are experiencing this heartache and that you don’t know why. And yes, it does ripple out to other family members. My children have been affected, too.
Great insight!
There is a thing called “cutting the soul ties”.
Our souls should only be tied to the ONE who made us.
I learned to cut toxic people out of my life but it took years to get good at it. I missed my mom, my brother, my dad, etc… and I did have to learn that forgiveness is not a ticket or an open door for free-for-all abuse. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing.
Sometimes forgiveness is hard, but I found it much easier to forgive from afar 🙂
Author
Good morning, Soni, and thank you for sharing your insights about soul ties. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness, which means unlearning what I thought I knew so that I could learn better, truer things about forgiveness that allowed healing and honest relationships. 🙂
I’ve been estranged from my 4 brothers for years. I have tried reaching out to all of them, but they refuse to speak with me. My heart is broken about the situation. I struggle with what to tell people who ask if I have siblings. I end up feeling very embarrassed about my family situation. Do you have any suggestions on how to discuss this type of situation with others?
Author
Katie: I understand your uncomfortableness, your heartache over your estrangement from your four siblings. Right in the middle of the word “estrangement” is the word “strange” — it’s such an awkward situation. We so often wonder how did we end up here? We know the circumstances — the reasons why — and yet, we keep thinking we should be able to fix it. Please understand that more people than you realize are dealing with strained family relationships, if not out-and-out estrangement. With acquaintances, You can keep your answer simple: “Yes, I have four brothers, but our relationships are strained right now, so we don’t talk much.” If asked for more information, you can say, “I’d rather not talk about it,” and then ask about their family. With closer, more trustworthy friends, you can share more so they can pray for you.