@bethvogt
There are times grief throws us to our knees. We gasp for breath even as we try to grasp hold of what we’ve heard.
It can’t be true. It can’t be . . .
A longtime friend, someone I love and respect – someone who has shown me kindness again and again – died by suicide a few days ago.
My mind and heart recoil from the stark reality of what has happened.
I want time to rewind so my friend’s death is undone.
I want this tragedy undone.
I know it can’t ever be undone. I’m asking why, even though I know the why won’t change anything.
I’m asking what I could have done to stop this – and I’m sure my questions echo the same ones being asked by my friend’s family and so many others.
I want to say something that will stop someone else from thinking suicide is the right choice, the only choice, for them.
Have I ever had suicidal thoughts? As a survivor of abuse, yes, yes, I have. Have I ever come close to acting on them? No. Never.
I talked with my trusted friend Wise Guy about this once. I said I would never do “something like that” because I would never do that to my husband or to my kids.
Wise Guy said, “How about you? How about saying, ‘I would never do that to myself?’”
I had never put myself in the equation.
Our conversation was years ago. I’ve done the work. I’ve healed. I’ve learned I am worth taking care of. I am valuable. And I know now that yes, I would never do that to myself. Or to my husband. Or to my kids. I would never cause my family or friends to bear the weight of that much grief.
I would never believe the lie that there is no hope.
I’ve got something to tell you: You – yes, you – are valuable. You are worth taking care of.
You need to make the hard, right choices to stay alive even when it seems impossible – and yes, I get that some days it is an emotional, physical, spiritual battle to stay alive.
Don’t believe the lie that there is no hope. Hopelessness is born in the pit of hell and it smells like smoke. It blinds you to the truth that there is help. There is light. There is more than what you are feeling right now.
Walk away from the lie.
Look up. Stand up.
Call someone who will hold out hope for you if you can’t find it for yourself right now.
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Wading Through the Grief Caused by Suicide and Choosing Hope https://bit.ly/39ST3dH #crisis #hope Click To Tweet 'It's all about hope, kindness and a connection with one another.' Quote by Elizabeth Taylor https://bit.ly/39ST3dH #hope #encouragement Click To Tweet
Comments 32
Beth, I’m so very, very sorry. Please, in no way reproach yourself, for the truth is that there is nothing, NOTHING you could have done or said that would have changed the outcome.
It’s not up to you to give hope; that’s between every inividual and God, and we cannot step into that relationhip. Love is where to or more are gathered in His name, yes, but faith and hope are ever a two-way street, and only ever two ways.
I think, too, that there is a kind of cancer of the soul at work in some, that sees hope as something that needs active maintenance, and they just get so very, very tired.
It’s not, perhaps, they see no hope;
they know hope is no lie,
but they no longer want to cope,
and they just want to die,
for building hope’s fatiguing,
and empty comes the tank
that helps them find a reason
to turn to God and thank
for days they just no longer want,
for small hard victories
that they know should be their vaunt,
but they’re now on their knees
waiting for the gyre to cease,
waiting for a final peace.
God bless and keep you, my friend, and may His face shine upon you…and His face shines now, wet with tears on your behalf.
Author
Andrew,
Thank you for shouldering my grief with me. And I know you are praying for my friend’s family, too. Your words are a comfort.
I do believe that part of our ministry here on this earth is to hold out hope to others as we can. As we can. After all, in that way we reflect God to them. He offers us the best hope of all by stepping into our messy world and saying “I have more for you than this.”
Beth, yes; ministry does both implicitly and explicity require the offering of hope…and in that our hearts are so perilously exposed when it’s not taken up.
I do pray or the family; please forgive my lack of mention.
God bless, my friend.
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Andrew, I know you are praying, my friend.
Thank you for writing on this tough topic. So hard you had to experience this. I am praying for you and your family and also all aspects of your friend’s family. Yes, it is a terrible lie and there is always hope (the person!).
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Thank you, Dee. I’m leaning hard into my faith at this time.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Suicide is particularly rough in the grieving process, I think because it is so hard to wrap your head around someone taking their life in their own hands and just deciding that there’s absolutely nothing worth living for. There is no way to make sense of that, or to say, well, it was an accident, or they lived a good, long life, or this was God’s plan for that person, not any of the usual things we say to justify or explain someone we love dying. It also leaves us with a lingering sense of guilt for not recognizing the signs, or not saving our loved one from death, when the truth is that we could probably not have. Someone who is determined to end their life usually finds a way, no matter what we do or say. I will keep you and your friend’s family in prayer for peace and comfort.
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Thank you, Linda. I appreciate your insights and encouragement.
Beth,
I’m so sorry you are walking through this. Truthfully, it’s so very hard. Speaking as one who has tried and praise God, failed. Your words are spot on. “ There is more than what you are feeling right now. Walk away from the lie. Look up. Stand up.”
Praying for you and your friend’s family.
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Alena … I am so, so thankful for you, my friend. So, so thankful for you.
Beth, so very sorry for the death about which you wrote. I’ve seen it, first from afar, then from closer, and finally from the perspective of a family member who spoke on the phone just before the event. I’ll say what everyone says–it’s not your fault. It still doesn’t help. Let me say that, eventually, you’ll stop thinking about it…most of the time. Meanwhile, you’re in our prayers.
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Thank you for your kindness and understanding, Doc.
Beth I’m so sorry for you and your friend’s family. Andrew is correct there is nothing you could have done. I lost my dad to suicide and I know he loved me immensely as I loved him. When we believe the lies we can’t see the truth.
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Oh, Daphne, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad to suicide. How heartbreaking. Thank you for helping me know you understand.
There is a saying, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I’ve known several people from my church, my community even my high school days that have taken this “permanent solution”. It breaks my heart that someone would feel there is no hope.
I grieve with you my friend. Even Christians sometime loose their hope that is a lie from Satan himself. Many think suicide is the unpardonable sin but no, rejecting Christ, never accepting him as Lord and Savior is the only unpardonable one. Praying for you Beth and this person’s family.
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Thank you, Gail, for your encouragement and prayers.
So sorry for your loss, Beth. That is tough stuff to wade through. Hope is what is always there even when all seems gone, yet hard to see to sometimes. Thank you for your words that “there is always light.” Prayers to you and your friends family.
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Thank you, Lynn, thank you.
This is heartbreaking, Beth. I am aching for you and all those who are reeling from this loss. Sending much love and praying.
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Thank you, Bernadette. I am thankful for you and everyone else who are praying for my friend’s family.
A little while after my daughter attempted to commit suicide, I asked her what now will be the factor to keep her from attempting it again. She said it was how it affected our family. Her siblings, my husband, and myself. She just wanted the pain and depression to go away and that was the only thing she could think to do. We were told it’s like a tunnel and that’s the only thing they can think to do.
We were fortunate, we were able to get her help right away and she was diagnosed with a mood disorder. This has now helped her understand herself and why she feels things. She is now an adult and she has learned to be her own advocate. There are still days that are difficult, but she is stronger.
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Marilyn, I am so thankful your daughter is with you and that she received the help she needed.
Beth, I wish you and everyone who loved this person weren’t going through this pain. The choices others make to end their life is particularly difficult. I have seen how other friends have grieved through suicide and it is much like the pain I am going through with a child who has chosen a slow suicide through meth addiction. The Author of life and death is our only hope and you spread it by your presence everywhere you go. Blessings.
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Jan, I understand that meth addiction causes its own particular grief. I am so, so sorry, my friend. Praying for you.
Beth, sometimes the pain a person is in, whether emotional or physical, makes them think they have nothing to live for and that ending the pain is all that matters. Of course, we know they have everything to live for, but they simply can’t see it. I’m praying for you and your family and your friend’s family that God will hold you in the palm of his hand and give you comfort and strength.
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Thank you, Pat, for your prayers.
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Pat: Everything you say is true. And I understand it. I’ve said it all. I hate to think my friend was in so much pain. Thank you for your prayers.
Beth, I am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace and comfort in your memories of this important friendship.
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Thank you, Barb.
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Thank you, Barb. Friendships are a gift.
So sorry for your loss.
Sadly, the only one with the answers we want most isn’t here, so we have to rely on our faith to get us through.
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Denise: It’s so true, my friend. And the grief is hard.