@bethvogt
I’m sharing one of my less-than-stellar mom moments today.
That’s always fun.
Okay, so sharing the time I went a little “cuckoo mama” on one of my kiddos isn’t fun – but it is honest.
My youngest daughter Christa headed to college in Minnesota a few months ago. We dropped her off early for volleyball tryouts on August 16, seven and half weeks ago.
We keep in touch via phone calls and texts and Face Timing and Snapchat and Instagram – my husband has a Snapchat account now. And Christa even has group Snapchats with her siblings. My mama’s heart loves that.
Christa’s been great about phone calls and texts, and when she says she’s going to call us, she does.
Except for this one night …
She’d had a typically busy day, between classes and volleyball practice and just normal life as a college freshman. She’d texted her dad and me earlier in the evening and said she’d call us later.
Fine. No problem.
Only no call came.
And it got later. And later. And later.
I texted her several times. Left a couple voice messages on her phone.
Still nothing.
And that’s when my imagination kicked in. All sorts of not good scenarios, the kind that only a mom can imagine. I ignored the “She’s fine” voice in my head as my anxiety built. I even checked with one of her friends, via that friend’s mom.
Stop shaking your heads. I know. I shouldn’t have done it.
Christa did call us, it didn’t matter that I was relieved she was okay. Or that she’d been in a Bible study and then had been hanging out with friends, forgetting that she’d turned her phone on silent.
When Christa called, I went “cuckoo mama” on her. I vaulted past my relief and let my irrational anxiety fuel my anger as I told her how upset I was.
She took it all. Explained. Apologized. And later on, I apologized for overreacting.
The reason I’m sharing this is because I heard something yesterday that I wish I’d heard before all that angst-ridden interaction went down with my youngest daughter:
“It’s not good to make our kids be responsible for our anxiety.”
I take full responsibility for creating tension between me and Christa that evening. I let my anxiety get the better of me – and I blamed her for it. Expected her to have prevented it.
She should have called when I expected her to.
She should have called sooner.
No and no.
I’m the one responsible for my anxiety, not my daughter. Not any of my kids, for that matter.
Christa’s a considerate young adult, with a good head on her shoulders. And I need to let the truth of who she is – and the truth of how our relationship runs most days – guide my thoughts and actions. Not let myself get irrational and dump my anxiety on my daughter, as if it’s her job to prevent it.
She has enough responsibilities in her life without have to deal with unrealistic ones that aren’t based in truth.
When It's Wise to Take Responsibility for Our Anxiety http://bit.ly/2op63ny #relationships #anxiety #perspective Click To Tweet 'It's not good to make our kids be responsible for our anxiety.' Quote by Dr. Drew Pinsky http://bit.ly/2op63ny #family #anxiety #choices Click To Tweet
Comments 13
I’m pretty bloody fortunate
to have left anxiety behind.
Sure, my case is desperate,
but I don’t really mind.
It’s not that I am Cleopatra,
the Queen, you know, of De Nile,
but I’ve learned to cope, with laughter,
and I hope I made you smile!
I cannot avoid what comes,
and while I’d rather linger,
I’ll laugh at awkward death “all thumbs”
while giving him the finger.
Heaven’s coming, and won’t wait,
but what the hell, God paid the freight.
Author
“…God’s paid the freight.”
Andrew, your words did make me smile. Your optimism and dogged determination in the face of everything astounds me. Fight on, my friend. And write on, too. Praying for you.
Andrew, you’re still that brave soldier, facing death armed with honesty, humor, and faith. Thanks for reminding us to handle the hard things with laughter and leave the problems in God’s hands. You’re an inspiration.
It’s understandable and she has broad shoulders and can bear and shed it well. I appreciate your vulnerability and know you don’t get that concerned very often. Love has a way of torquing our fears. And God has a way of relieving them.
Author
Yes, Dee, God has a way of relieving our prayers, but sometimes He teaches us a lesson first. 🙂
Oh Beth! A woman who thinks like me. Been there!! Similar situation my son’s freshman year. Except he wouldn’t return calls in the middle of the day on a Saturday and his college is in the mountains and it’s freezing January. I reacted almost identical EXCEPT when I couldn’t reach him it was because he was out of cell territory. I didn’t call his friends I checked Facebook hoping for a clue! That was worse because what do I find but a video of him and his roommate diving off of icy waterfalls into a ice cold body of water. There were no other people there; they were way off the main road had they been hurt or worse who knows if they could get help with no cell service.
Then I had to wait and assume he made it safely back to campus until he could return my call. Meanwhile I contacted his roommate’s mother a nurse by profession who was livid as well seeing her son potentially in ER or worse from that stunt (his idea not my son’s). God protects us most of the time from bad decisions.
I still worry now that my two are grown but I depend more on prayer than I did those earlier years. ❤️
Author
Oh, Daphne! I can only imagine how seeing that video made you feel! Our mamas’ hearts! But we do have to let our kids’ grow up and make their own decisions. We grew up too, right? And prayer is powerful.
Absolutely. I say motherhood is about letting go. Thankful it’s been gradual from daycare, kindergarten, high school, college etc. Not everyone has that luxury. Thanks
Author
Daphne: You’re correct. Motherhood is about letting go. Trusting our children as they become adults. It’s not always easy. Some days are better than others. And grace covers our missteps.
I identify so strongly with this! My anxieties and imaginings about my children have gotten the best of me so many times, operating out of fear rather than faith. Philippians 4:6-8 is my go-to when I feel the anxiety rising, especially the part about thinking on whatever is true. I have this conversation with myself: “Is it true that (whatever I am imagining) has happened? Or is it true that God sees and knows and is present with him/her guiding and protecting?” Then I feel God’s peace come as I talk to Him about it. I hope this doesn’t sound self-righteous because , believe me, I have had major struggles with fear and worry my entire life! And this is how God has given me some victory over it. Plus, it’s hard to change overnight from being responsible 24/7 for your child’s safety to letting them go and knowing no one is watching over them. So don’t be too hard on yourself. No one said this parenting thing would be easy!
Author
Fran: You have influenced me as a mom so often through the years. One of the strongest influences was how you pray for your children — thank you for reminding me, once again, to talk to Him about my anxieties and not to be too hard on myself. Parenting is hard and I’m thankful my relationship with my children is strong enough to withstand missteps.
I’ve done that, too.
Author
Denise: It’s always nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂