I blew it with my husband, Rob, the other day.
To be more specific — I blew up at Rob over the most trivial thing.
Rather than dealing with the unexpected interruption to my day – I did say it was minor, right? – I called Rob and made sure he knew I was upset. That I didn’t appreciate what he’d done. Rather, what he didn’t do. And then I said goodbye.
No, I didn’t take the time to exchange our customary “I love you’s.”
My daughter, Amy, was witness to all this. A silent witness.
She’s smart that way.
As I left the house, I told her, “I know I handled that wrong. I owe your dad an apology.”
Relationships are hard, even when you’ve been married for 40 years, like Rob and I have been. Yes, I realize some of you haven’t been alive that long.
With each anniversary we’ve celebrated, we’ve worked through more and more of our stuff.
- In-laws – both his and mine.
- Finances.
- My history of abuse.
- The demands of his medical career.
- Parenting
- Communication
And still we get it wrong.
This is why my one-word definition of marriage is work. This definition is not a negative thing.
The time and effort you put into marriage is worthwhile. In the long run, you reap the benefits of focusing on your relationship with your spouse, no matter how many other things – and people – demand your attention. The “we’re never gonna’ agree on this” problems become non-issues, but it takes time. Not weeks. Not months. Years. Sometimes you have to seek outside counsel to figure out how to work through conflict.
All the hard work? It’s worthwhile because that’s what makes a relationship better.
So says the woman who blew it with her husband.
Nobody’s perfect – and that’s where asking forgiveness comes in.
Later that day as I asked Rob to forgive me for being so angry and rude with him earlier that morning, he apologized for not doing something for me, our words crisscrossing over the phone.
Forgiveness asked. Forgiveness granted.
Then we moved on. We trust each other enough to know that issue is over and done with.
We’ve done the work and reaped the benefits.
Choosing to Do the Work to Reap the Benefits of Marriage https://bit.ly/3ryJwjI #relationships #communication Click To Tweet 'You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not. Click To Tweet
Comments 10
Thanks for the candid glimpse and for modeling a committed marriage that lives and breathes and grows and beautifully meets all needs that come.
Author
Thank you, Dee. Rob read the post and said, “You are too hard on yourself.” As you said, I was just being candid. There are plenty of times we both overlook the little bumps in the road, which makes incidents like this one all the more glaring. Navigating through them, not ignoring them, is the most important thing.
Harking to the end of life
I see I have let down
the basic need of my dear wife,
her need of husband, not a clown.
She needed me to grow in wisdom
and join her in her present,
not live in coexistent schism
with an eternal adolescent
who sees in tragedy a joke,
who sees in loss, remainder,
whose persona doth evoke
the immortal term ‘no-brainer’,
but though I have failed every test
I still will try to give my best.
Author
And there you have it, Andrew — the value of giving our best. And also learning not to be too hard on ourselves. Still learning that one.
We’ve been married 39 years and have had our ups and downs. I’ve learned over the years to overlook the trivial things. He really came through for me in 2020 when I was bed ridden for 12 weeks with a cracked pelvis. He was taking care of me with a bedpan one day when he looked up at me and said, “This is true love”. I had a total of 4 surgeries in 2020 and one this past January. For better or worse!
Author
Gail: Marriage certainly teach us what is trivial and what is important. Through the years, more and more gets allocated to the “Not As Important As I Thought It Was” Category. Your husband displayed such strength during your recovery — but then, so did you.
I love your honesty, dear Beth. Thank you for inspiring us. These words of yours caught my attention: “We trust each other enough to know that issue is over and done with.”
Forgiving each other includes forgiving ourselves too. I needed this post. xo
Blessings ~ Wendy Mac
Author
Wendy: I always aim for honesty here. And I always hope others are encouraged. Thank you, friend.
This is so true.
Author
Thank you, Denise.