@bethvogt
I spent the past four years writing a “Little Women gone wrong” women’s fiction series about a trio of sisters trying to discover if they can move from a truce to trusting one another. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. Magicians don’t reveal how they do their tricks, right? And authors don’t reveal what’s hidden between the covers of their books – not all of the story, anyway.
And all the while I crafted my novels, the road back to a relationship with my own two sisters is marked “No Access.”
I can’t fix what’s wrecked with me and my two sisters – what’s broken between me and my entire extended family, if I’m being completely honest.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
For the past eight years, I’ve shed tears on birthdays and holidays.
I’ve whispered both “what more can I do” and “watch over them” prayers.
In the end, I’ve realized I can’t mend the hurt alienating us.
Pastors and counselors and relatives and friends and self-help authors – even the occasional well-meaning acquaintance – offer endless advice for fixing fractured relationships.
- Fight through the misunderstanding.
- Strive for reconciliation.
- Forgive seven times seven as many times as it is takes.
But rarely do people say the one hard truth: Stop. Just stop trying.
Sometimes we can’t fix what’s broken between us and another person. And all our attempts to make things better – to do the right thing or say the right thing or to be the person someone else expects us to be – just makes things worse.
That’s a harsh truth to face in a world where we’re told to forgive. To forget. To let go of the problem and move on. In all the forgiving and forgetting and letting go and moving on, stay together.
One truth has held me steady as I’ve stared across the chasm separating me and my sisters: If possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. (Romans 12:18)
Let me unpack this verse that’s become an unwavering beacon of light while I’ve lived estranged from family for more years than I ever imagined:
If possible – and sometimes it is not possible because your efforts alone may not be enough to accomplish what you want to happen – as far as it depends on you –– you can only do what you can do and you are not responsible for other people’s actions or reactions – be at peace with all men. The word here conveys the ideas of quietness and rest. If interacting with others creates emotional turmoil for you, then you need to make choices that bring peace into your life.
Sometimes trying to have a relationship with others, with family, creates discord and strife – the opposite of quietness and rest for us and for them.
It’s unrealistic to think we will have calm relationships, ones that are mutually respectful and loving, with everyone, including our family members. Even if we’re willing to strive for reconciliation – one that includes carefully chosen boundaries based on our values – others may not be.
Facing the Reality That Peace Isn't Always Possible https://bit.ly/2Y6CA13 #relationships #estrangement Click To Tweet 'It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.' Quote by Lewis B. Smedes https://bit.ly/2Y6CA13 #relationships #estrangement Click To Tweet
Comments 23
Be at peace with everyone
so much as you can,
but it isn’t always fun,
this old world’s yin and yang,
that you might offer fervent prayers
for one who was friend,
knowing full well they don’t care
about you in the end.
You can’t fix a blessed thing,
excepting your own part,
and you cannot hope to bring
nowt but just your heart
to reconcilliation’s quiet place
in the hope of healing Grace.
Author
Andrew, Thank you for your beautiful words that capture the essence of Romans 12:18 so beautifully. Grace … thank God for his lavish grace.
Praying for you, my friend.
Oh, Beth. I have that sister. When my mom was on hospice a couple years ago, I promised I would work at keeping a relationship with my toxic sister. But when Mom passed, my sister’s toxicity exploded and spewed on everyone. I had to set tough boundaries. She is almost 50. If she hasn’t figured out how to treat people by now, nothing I say or do is going to change that. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be close to a sister. But God has blessed me with incredible friends who fill holes left by my dysfunctional family. Bless you!
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Karen: I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such pain. My friend “Wise Guy,” a very wise person indeed, has asked me what is the path back into reconciliation with people. There is always a path … but I know the boundaries. The whys and why-nots. God is a God of reconciliation, but I know He must accomplish it, not me.
Wow, another keeper. It is hard and it is truth. I appreciate seeing you live through this situation grace-fully, in every sense of the word. Thanks for the truth you live and model.
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Dee: I thank God every day for his lavish grace to me. I know my family sees their side of this story … and I must respect that.
Oooh Miss Beth.. I know that you have tried for many years to fix that bridge over the chasm between you and your sisters. I feel like God had our paths cross purposely.. I am your sister! I know others feel that same way about their relationship with you.. YOU have so many “sisters” & “brothers” who love you so very much. I thank God for you always my friend and my sister.. ❤
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Much love to you, Caron. Much love.
Beth, I know exactly how you feel. My mama’s sister created such a huge chasm is our family. And she refused to admit anything. I had to just let go and God have me peace about it. She died last year and her three daughters want nothing g to do with me. They have tons of my mama’s stuff and won’t give it to us. That hurts most.
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I’m sorry for your pain, Susan. Sorry for your loss. Praying for you today and sending you a hug. I know it doesn’t fix anything … but I do understand.
Thank you and hugs, dear Beth. Yes, one of the best gifts I’ve given myself was to stop trying.
There’s peace in release.
Blessings – Wendy Mac
Author
Wendy: And peace is a priceless gift, my friend.
I needed to hear these words after accepting a L-O-N-G phone call from my sister. I love her and I’m saddened that I lack the emotional margin to deal with the emotional manipulation. It hurts me that she hurts, yet I feel emotionally ill and depressed after every conversation.
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Scoti: I’m so sorry, Brill. I understand … and yes, there are different circumstances in your situation. But you can’t fix the ongoing issues and you can’t be who your sister wants you to be. Sending you a hug.
There is so much heartfelt truth in your words, Beth. Even though I have good relationships with my family, we’ve definitely had stormy seasons. And, even this morning, with one of the boys, there’s been nothing calm in our relationship. Thank goodness God rides out the waves with us, whether or not they lead to reconciliation.
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Jeanne: Estrangement is such a peculiar season for anyone. Leaning into my faith, trusting that God knows my heart, that there is no unforgiveness or anger in this, helps me walk each day out.
Forgiveness can relieve you of carrying the burden.
One shouldn’t always forget–a lot can go down, and the whole “forgive and forget” is flawed. One shouldn’t forget the abuse or toxic relationship. One shouldn’t dwell on it, but forgetting will sometimes lead one back down the path which needed to be severed.
Reconciliation is not always possible for a variety of reasons. Our pastors supported us in our decision to sever a relationship with a relative.
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Denise: There’s a lot of wisdom in what you shared, friend. Like you, I’ve learned forgiveness isn’t as simplistic as some would have you believe — and it can be a hard-fought, multi-round battle (odd analogy, yes?) But the freedom found through forgiveness is unlike any other. I’ve said it before: reconciliation is my favorite word in scripture. God is a God of reconciliation. And there is always hope … but hope doesn’t mean you aren’t wise and boundary-less.
This made me cry. I’m living it but with my daughter. Some days I feel as if it’s hopeless but then I read something like your article and the Lord speaks to me that it is in Him I must hope and in nothing else. It’s so hard because of the grandchildren too. That just adds another element of pain for me. But I have to trust that they know how much I love and miss them even with our very limited contact. I truly believe if it wasn’t for them, my daughter would have 100% cut me out. Her reasons are not all invalid. I won’t minimize my ‘toxic’ behavior in the past but I am not the same person I was. And I don’t think she cares.
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AP: You’ve changed. That is a key to reconciliation. And you recognize that some of your behavior in the past was unhealthy. Also so important. I’ll be praying your daughter recognizes this and is willing to walk the path to reconciliation. My friend, Wise Guy, always asked me “What is the path back to relationship?” There had to be change.True change. And respect.
Beth thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject which sad as it may be seems like many have a sister of like. I feel your hurt, since your family has one of these sisters as well. Prayers and hugs .
God bless you with reconciliation and restoration. Thank you for a raw and transparent message.
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Nancy: God is a God of reconciliation … and I trust Him in this situation. I always will.