Sometimes I just like being right.
And that’s when I usually end up saying the wrong thing.
Yes, I’m telling you this because I “righted” myself into the wrong corner a few days ago. I didn’t realize how my conversation with my friend Gianna had veered into unexpected territory until she said, “You’re angry with me, aren’t you?”
I stopped talking for a moment. (I’m sure Gianna appreciated the silence.) Then I said, “No, I’m not angry with you.”
And I wasn’t.
What I was doing was trying to convince her of my point of view about something. It doesn’t matter what we were talking about. I had one opinion and she had another and, well, I liked my opinion better than hers.
Ahem.
I thought we were just having a discussion, but somehow what I said … how I said it … how I kept talk-talk-talking … made Gianna think I was angry with her. Our conversation had gone way-wrong, and yes, it was my fault.
Here’s the funny part, friends: before all this happened, I’d planned the topic for today’s blog. And no, I wasn’t going to share about a personal moment of failure, but it is a perfect “don’t do this” example.
My long-distance writer-friend Wendy MacDonald wrote this in her newsletter:
“Conversations led by love lead to life.”
Her words stayed with me for days, reminding me of the Bible verse encouraging us to speak with grace. (Colossians 4:6)
But my desire to be right ran over love and grace. I wasn’t thinking about loving my friend while I kept restating my opinion. Nope, I was thinking about convincing her. I wasn’t listening to her – except maybe waiting to hear her say, “You’re right.”
Hardly a two-sided conversation, is it?
My One Word for 2020 is “LISTEN,” and my best conversations are when I talk less and listen more.
And that was my misstep the other day. I forgot to listen more than I talked. All because I wanted to be right.
You want to know the most-right thing I did?
I told Gianna I was sorry. And I asked her to forgive me. And being the wonderful friend that she is, she forgave me. She let me change the conversation to something else so we could get back to being us … and get past my mistake.
I’m going to remember that loving conversations lead to life – thanks to my friend Wendy – and look for opportunities to listen more and talk less in the days to come. Care to join me?
How Do We Choose Love and Grace Over Being Right? https://bit.ly/2wQkXYA #relationships #encouragement Click To Tweet 'The first duty of love is to listen.' Quote by Paul Tillich https://bit.ly/2wQkXYA #listening #friendships Click To Tweet
Comments 15
Ahhh, Beth. How many times I’ve done this exact same thing: forsaken grace so I could be right, so I could prove I was right. I’ve found I must watch my words much more, particularly with my boy-men. 1) If I say too many words, they tune me out. 2) If I repeat myself, they tune me out. 3) If I don’t stop to listen, they feel disrespected. It’s never a win when I am trying too hard to be right.
Grace and love must hold an essential place in my thoughts and my words with others, especially with those I love most.
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There is a lot of wisdom in your words, Jeanne. 1. Few words. 2. Say it once. 3. Listen. So well said.
I have no need to be right,
don’t need that dance and song,
for my brain’s so sharp and bright
that I am never wrong.
Like Lancelot of Arthur’s time,
I’m simply best by far,
and it would be an awful crime
to ignore that’s how things are,
and thus, in great humility,
I keep my conversations charted
to stay within ability
of those who might be tender-hearted
to the error of their ways
in not giving ME high praise.
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Oh Andrew — this is one of your best by far!!!
🙂
I love this so much. I tend to be a people pleaser, but sometimes when I am passionate about something, I tend to want everyone to be on board with me. That’s dumb, because everyone is different and will NOT always agree with me. My word is surrender and I need to surrender to listening well and choosing grace in my conversations. Thanks for that reminder.
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Sherrinda: I love your One Word for 2020 and I imagine you are embracing it in ways you never imagined, aren’t you?
Oh my goodness, yes. I’ve had to surrender every day!!!! My fears, my own will, my anger, my despair…it’s a daily thing. I sure hope I’m growing through this. 🙂
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Sherrinda: Undoubtedly, you are growing through this. You may not see how you are changing until this is over.
What a good lesson. Sorry you had to go through the teaching moment, but it does illustrate the point perfectly. At least it happened w/ a gracious friend. So often I hear myself stating things in my teaching voice. I’m also listening more because 2-way shared conversations are the best.
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Dee: Yes, I’m thankful Gianna was so gracious — she always is. And lessons like this one are engraved on my heart.
Dear Beth, we must be long lost sisters because I could relate to your words perfectly.
I apologized to someone via text that week (someone in my own home) because I didn’t want to risk letting my tendency toward intensity get in the way of my apology. I even cried a bit privately. When my family member found out, they almost laughed as they said they’d already forgotten about it. Meantime, I was worried they were mad because they hadn’t replied to my message.
I’d rather error on the side of extra apologies than be guilty of shorthanded love. Good on you, my friend. And thank you for the kind mention. <3
Blessings ~ Wendy Mac
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Wendy: You are most definitely a kindred spirit. Your words encourage me so often — I look for your social media posts because I know they will encourage and bless my heart — and little did I realize how much I need the exhortation to lead out with love in my conversations. Love you, friend.
Beth, this is such a timely reminder to me, thank you for posting it. I have fallen into the “I’m right” and “you need to see it my way” trap lately. One of my married friends and I were having a discussion and her comment was “you’ve interrupted me for the third time and not hearing what I’m saying.” What a (justified) kick in the pants! Clearly I need to take a deep breath and listen to what is being said, and respect the viewpoint of the speaker as well. Thanks for your wisdom and your willingness to share the challenges in your own life. We are all better for it, my friend!
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Barb: Your comment is timely for me, too. I read your words about needing to take a deep breath and respect … and then I re-read my post. Why? Because, once again, I need to be reminded to listen with love. I haven’t misstepped … yet. But I don’t want to. I want my conversations to be led with love — the easy ones and the difficult ones.